I was just getting out of this crazy summer I somehow managed to pull through. I took four courses during the short two months of time in nearby community college. And before I know it, I was already going through my mid-term for the six classes I was taking for this Fall semester. And... guess what, I've joined an honors program, few days ago.
The good things about being part of this honors society is that I can possibly benefit from its relationships with many prestigious universities, and to make that possible, I also get to work closely with the school faculty. All I need to do is that I complete 5 honor courses and 30 hours of volunteer work while keeping my GPA high for targeted schools.
To be honest, I could't help feeling deeply overwhelmed as much as I was excited about the great opportunity. I was thrilled with the possibility of getting a quality higher education which has been the only hope for a long time that kept me going. However, I was overwhelmed by the extra workload because I was barely keeping up with what I had already started. Besides, I almost have no previous study habit or skill, and English is not even my first language either; I take at least 3 times longer than any of my frieinds to get anything done, really.
I feel extremely lucky to be able to study. What kept me going all these years was the hope of getting an opportunity to access a formal education, provided by great teachers, like-minded friends and the degree that follows after. That is why, I thoroughly enjoy all the great readings, working the muscle to think, learning the new language of knowledge which equips me for articulating and expanding my feelings and thoughts, taking an art class that I never thought I would ever be privileged to do, and the most importantly, I enjoy studying because of the fact that all these are done in English, my favorite language.
But I do feel less confident and weak at times, especially when I realize that there are just way too much for me to catch up on. I feel hopeless and depressed when I face the limitation of the system and the indifferent and irresponsible people that might actually stop me from pursuing further education of my choice for I have an unique situation that created a big obstacle in continuing education in the U.S.. At times like these, I get overwhelmed and have break down, if worse. This has been the story of my life for over 10 years now. Making somewhat impossible plans and decisions so that I can force myself to work harder, burning out completely and then getting back up again seem to be the pattern here. My excuse is that, it is not because I do not know what is best for me, it is because I am not able afford what is best for me. I am left with no other options but to go with the second best which I still can barely afford. People tell me I should go with the third or fourth best options, however I am not very amused by their advice.
I just desperately want to be able to deal with the stress in a healthy way. I sometimes fear that I might end up sacrificing something that I already have that are as important or even more important than what I am pursuing at the moment.
Well, at least today was a good day filled with excitements.
1. I had such good conversation with a good friend for hours, about somewhat heavy topics of our interests. It is very rare for me to find someone who care to talk about things like what we have talked about.
2. I had the first art class of perspective drawing which will help me draw rooms and buildings and stuff, in the future. I did not even know it was a thing. Every art class is a surprise to me. Who knew people can learn how to draw? I didn't! I had no idea there were ways to learn how to draw. I was so excited about this class today that I was just screaming the whole time inside with joy. lol
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This passage from a book is soothing to my mind that's often in a hurry.
You are so young, so much before all beginning, and I would like to beg you, dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
-Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
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first time learning how to shade!
First time learning how to work with charcoal. Interesting medium.
It taught me how often (maybe too often) I have a habit of touching my face w/o even knowing.
Probably the best teacher I have ever had in my life for he is consistent with his rules, great in explaining and teaching, a man with decent humor and taste of music, he has good control of a class, cares for the students, and millions of other reasons.
